Quitting fears

I had been smoke-free for about seven years. And then I blew it with just one cigarillo, which led to a complete relapse. I have been back to my old pack-a-day habit for awhile. Which means, at the prices they demand for cigarettes, spending more on smoking than on food.
There it is. As if I needed to see it in writing to fully realize just how utterly dumb this is. Especially when you´re on a budget.
The sensible thing to do would be to quit again.
There´s just one hitch.
After my last quit, I gained sixty pounds in six months. Plus, I had panic attacks for even longer than that.
Both of which should have kept me from starting again. I have no idea if the panic will return if I quit now. What is different this time is that I have changed the way I eat, having a lot more protein and less carbs than back then. Perhaps my neurotransmitters are better balanced now, but I wouldn´t bet on that.
On the other hand, before my first quit, I had been smoking for almost twenty-five years. For all of my grown-up life, to be exact.
I had never been in a restaurant, or out with friends, or even working at my desk, without a cigarette. My biggest fear, back then, wasn´t gaining weight. It was not being able to make it through my day without punctuating it with cigarettes. It was not knowing what to do with my hands, or what to put in my mouth.
Back then, what I put into my mouth instead after quitting was food. Sweets, mostly. And double amounts of everything, because hunger felt so much like withdrawal.
I made it through seven years of not smoking. Actually, I found myself not needing a cigarette to be able to sit at a table with friends. I found myself not needing a cigarette to work on my case files. I found myself not having to smoke first thing in the morning and last thing at night.
So, today, I know that a smoke-free life is possible for me. I even know, because the relapse came some 40 pounds into my weight loss journey, that smoking is not essential for me to lose weight.

Knowing all of that, why am I still scared of quitting?


Julia