Day one of my quit

Weight this morning: 94,3 kilograms.

I did smoke four cigarettes this morning before showering, the last one about 08.40 a.m. After the shower, I put on one of the six remaining nicotine patches I had left over from the time DH had a court appearance plus a cough so I patched him in order to keep him from climbing the walls. 

I downloaded some apps that keep me informed about the benefits of quitting- even though they don´t take the patch into account.

Counting what I smoked makes quite exactly the 25 I supposed I was averaging. And there might even have been more cigarettes smoked, especially in the evening.

So the main reasons for smoking are:

procrastination

kicking myself awake

giving myself a break

stress

relaxation

to stop eating

to avoid an unpleasant situation by going outside.

The kicker being that there might be more stress because of smoking, or more fatigue, or that the TV is more unpleasant when I have withdrawal symptoms on top.

I might find out more than I thought about that in the next weeks. One thing I already found out was that I don´t need 150 Euros a month for cigarettes, I need 180 Euros plus whatever I smoke over and above 25 cigarettes a day. Meaning that I would have liberated, by not smoking,the equivalent of a nice juicy steak for both of us, or a grass-fed chicken,  if just me quit. Were DH to go along with the quit, too, there´d be a nice bottle of wine to go with the steak, too, not that tetrabrik stuff. 

Even patched, there are still cravings. I ride them out, not being able to smoke because of the patch, and I write into the blog.

I have a big cup of lapacho tea on my desk right now, sipping on it regularly. The one thing I don´t need to happen is gaining back even more weight. I´ll have to be really careful, especially taking into account that my basal metabolism will go down by about 300 calories from quitting. 

Keeping on deliberating

We still have plenty of those things in the pantry that would be off limits with a Whole 30. Milk, mainly, pasta and rice. Those, I could bag up for the duration. Those last potatoes in the pantry closet, not so. As the peanut stash is down to the last two packs anyway, I could buy cashew nuts or almonds instead. The sugar part would mean to Just Say No, which I mostly do anyway.
I'd still have to find a sugar-free replacement for the milk in my coffee. Almond milk, which someone mentioned on the forum, is sold only in expensive health food stores hereabouts.
Exchanging my happy hour glass of beer with a cup of tea or a glass of water might feel strange, but it's doable, especially as it is actually mostly about DH and myself sitting together to unwind and less about what beverage we have.
The real biggie is the smokes.
I first started smoking at age sixteen (the age that it becomes legal hereabouts) and went on right up to age forty. Then, I quit. And proceeded to have insomnia, panic attacks, you name it. The prescription meds I got made me gain 40 pounds in a mere six weeks, so I went off them. What finally helped me conquer those symptoms was the realization that I was probably serotonine-deficient, so I started taking vitamins and protein shakes to up my serotonine level. The insomnia and panic attacks ceased. The extra fat stayed.
Fast forward seven years.
Seven smoke-free years, mind you. I was so certain I'd never restart again.
And then my weight went below what it had been when I quit smoking. All of a sudden, the craving for a cigarette was back in full force. I have no idea whether that was from any stored residues in the fat I was losing, that were going into my bloodstream, but it's highly possible if fat stores really work like "last gained, first lost". In that case, those last forty pounds I gained wouldn't have had any residue from smoking stored. But those acquired before that did.
I relapsed. Not as badly as before quitting (I used to chain-smoke up to four packs a day), but still at a rate of about one pack a day.
Mega monumentally fucking dumb. I know.
Almost as dumb was getting back into the habit of having a smoke after eating, to stop myself from continuing to eat.
So, on the one side I know that I have been getting along without cigarettes for seven years. Before that, I would not have thought I could do that even for a day, so, this is one thing less to fear about quitting.
On the other side is the memory of those panic attacks (which went on much longer than actual nicotine withdrawal). While I now know the probable cause, I still don't want to have any of them, ever again. To prevent them, I would have to use protein shakes and vitamins again, preventively this time.
Did I mention protein shakes would be off limits with a Whole 30?
So how to raise my serotonine instead if I must not smoke, either?

BAM!

That was the sound of me kicking myself for restarting to smoke at all.

Once a wrong pathway is laid in the brain, it's all too easy to slide back into the old rut, even if you didn't activate that pathway for some time.
That goes for cigarettes as well as for cupcakes.


I'm interested in the concept of doing a Whole 30. But I don't think I'd make it. Perhaps try out the concept for a week, but right now, I have plenty of stressors in my life without adding to them. When the boat is loaded to the point that the sides are just an inch above the waterline, you don't start rocking it, quite simply. So, until some of that load has gone, I'll stick to applying those parts that fit in with my situation. Any change for the better is good, isn't it?

Julia

Whole 30 challenge

Over at the forum, people are all gung ho about doing a whole 30 challenge in May.
Looking at the rules, to me, that would make a big challenge for several reasons, while other parts might even be easy.
I've copied the rules (www.notnormajean.freeforums.net/index.cgi?action=display&board=general&thread=79&page=2) and interspersed them with my personal thoughts on them.Paragraphs with bullet points are from the forum.

•Do not consume added sugar of any kind, real or artificial. No maple syrup, honey, agave nectar, Splenda, Equal, Nutrasweet, xylitol, stevia, etc. Read your labels (and your Success Guide FAQ), because companies sneak sugar into products in ways you might not recognize.

That should be relatively easy, as I barely ever use sugar anyway.

•Do not consume alcohol, in any form, not even for cooking. (And it should go without saying, but no tobacco products of any sort, either.)

The two red flags... if the thought of giving up my single after-work glass of beer makes me balk like that perhaps I'd better get out of the habit.... And tobacco? I still smoke about a pack a day, and the last time I quit for a longer period of time I gained those thirty kilos I just got rid of. So, going smokeless is scary stuff to me. More so if I should cut down on other things at the same time, too.

•Do not eat grains. This includes (but is not limited to) wheat, rye, barley, oats, corn, rice, millet, bulgur, sorghum, amaranth, buckwheat, sprouted grains and all of those gluten-free pseudo-grains like quinoa. Yes, we said corn… for the purposes of this program, corn is a grain! This also includes all the ways we add wheat, corn and rice into our foods in the form of bran, germ, starch and so on. Again, read your labels.

Going without rice and pasta? Not what I am used to but doable. The other stuff has mostly gone from my shopping list anyway.

•Do not eat legumes. This includes beans of all kinds (black, red, pinto, navy, white, kidney, lima, fava, etc.), peas, chickpeas, lentils, and peanuts. No peanut butter, either. This also includes all forms of soy – soy sauce, miso, tofu, tempeh, edamame, and all the ways we sneak soy into foods (like lecithin).

No peanuts? Oy vey! If there is any one food that I never allow myself to run out of it's peanuts. But perhaps almonds would serve as well?

•Do not eat dairy. This includes cow, goat or sheep’s milk products such as cream, cheese (hard or soft), kefir, yogurt (even Greek), and sour cream… with the exception of clarified butter or ghee. (See below for details.)

That one would be hard. I use milk in my coffee, eat greek yoghurt and use cheese when cooking or as a snack food. And the protein powder I use has milk protein, too, so it would probably come under this as well as under the soybean interdiction above.

•Do not consume carrageenan, MSG or sulfites. If these ingredients appear in any form on the label of your processed food or beverage, it’s out for the Whole30.

Doable if one watches out for ingredients.

•Do not eat white potatoes. This is somewhat arbitrary, but if we are trying to change your habits and improve the hormonal impact of your food choices, it’s best to leave white, red, purple, Yukon gold and fingerling potatoes off your plate. (Refer to your Success Guide FAQ for details).

I rarely ever buy potatoes anyway, so this one is easy.


So, the things I'd find hard to give up completely are peanuts, milk, alcohol and cigarettes.
Among the forum crowd, the latter two problems would probably earn me a good dressing-down.
Actually, the milk and peanuts part is as scary.
Then again, what I mostly use them for is snacking. Eating them, not as part of a meal, but as something to grab on the go and snarf down, all too often while doing something else.

Giving up all of those at once? What would I do/ eat instead?

Especially, what would I do if nicotine withdrawal were driving me up the walls? I could not even take peppermint drops or chewing gum to fight those cravings. Chewing on a stalk of celery instead?

Just thinking about all of this makes me realize how many things I have allowed to become habits which probably aren't good for me. Giving them up for thirty days might thus be a good idea.
There I go again, sitting on the fence.
Maybe I should rather jump.


Julia

Sunny prospects

It´s getting warm this weekend, and the forecast says it will be up to 30 degrees centigrade on Sunday. Quite a temperature jump again- it seems that weather changes are becoming ever more dramatic in the last years.
So, that means wearing my summer clothes again.
I had, some weeks ago, taken out  a blazer-and-vest set I had which had become a bit wide plus two blouses. I thought they weren´t that much too big for me yet. Alas, DH must have misunderstood something there, because he took them (without my noticing it) and dropped them off at the Red Cross.
I was a bit miffed at first when I found out, but that didn´t bring them back. And, to be honest, they were too wide, as were those jackets in the same size I decluttered on Sunday. The thing being, not that they were oversized, but that they were cut so that the wide part was up front, i.e. the big belly and chest area, and that´s exactly where I have lost most of my extra pounds. Back fat never was a problem. So, when trying the ones I still had here, I found out that the front part, after condensing those parts of me, was lying flat, and the extra fabric was sticking out in the rear like a duck´s tail most unbecomingly. As I do no longer have the big butt that used to need that much room in a garment, either, and the hemline of those jackets, too, was drooping down from back to front, accentuating that invisible duck tail, I actually wasn´t very likely to wear them any more.
Which meant they would have been wardrobe clutter.
When I thought about why I had wanted to keep them at all, what I found out was that the only reason was that I wanted the illusion of having a wider choice of jackets to wear than what I really have and can wear today.
Today, after decluttering them, that part of my wardrobe has become quite empty-looking, as has the trouser compartment. Mind you, I still have enough clothes to get by on. I bought, in addition to the four dark jackets I take turns wearing professionally, that pink blazer I mentioned, which goes with all my pants and many of my blouses, and I have found that I can get by nicely on a maximum of four pairs of trousers. Buying more than that would be a waste because I am, after all, still recondensing. As for blouses, there are still plenty. As the fabric of blouses drapes better than that of jackets, and I can wear the hem of a too-wide blouse tucked inside my jeans, I am still keeping the ones that are just one or two sizes bigger than what I´d need today.
My present wardrobe, thus, has become quite minimalist.
Which has made me realize how much I have been overbuying in clothes when I was fat.
I was always hoping to find clothes that would make me look slim again.  So, I kept buying. To no avail, of course. At a BMI 42 the hope for looking slimmer would have meant acquiring a cloaking device, not a cloak or jacket.
Today, I don´t need that any more. And I don´t have to resort to fashion (or fatshion) any more to feel myself to be presentable.
And that too, is relieving.
So, I know what my new style will be- basic pants and jackets over blouses, with a coat on top, and of course my beloved trademark leather vests.
And that is enough.
As for having gotten rid of the too-big clothes, maybe someone else will get some use out of them. I am determined this time never to need those sizes again.

Which brings me to the biggest fear I have when it comes to quitting smoking again- that I might, then, not be able to stop myself from overeating.
This weekend, we´ll be visiting MIL, and that means no smoking during the day because I don´t want to upset her over my relapse. That just might be a chance to stop for good, except I don´t want to be climbing the walls with withdrawal symptoms, either. Or eat up everything in her fridge to stop the cravings...

OTOH, if it´s true what I read about the worst withdrawal symptoms being gone after 72 hours, I could be out of them by Monday. If I were to quit today.
Last time, I had been using nicotine patches, but I don´t want to do that this time because if I quit, I want to be out of the withdrawal time as fast as possible. It ought to be easier, this time, too, because I did, back then, smoke some 50 cigarettes a day, and had been for over twenty years, and today, I´m keeping below 20 and have changed to reduced-nicotine ones a week ago.

Sitting on the fence not daring to jump. All the time knowing that the money that goes to cigarettes now would buy me some addition to my shrunk wardrobe every month.

I feel like a coward.


Julia

Double vision

As I mentioned before, I´m wearing glasses. Having to work at a computer, I´m legally required to have my eyes checked regularly.
This morning´s checkup went less smoothly than usual, as I had real difficulties focusing on those tiny images they had me look at. Now, according to my optician, the glasses I need haven´t changed, but I did notice that with just a bit of straining my eyes I get those troubles focusing.
Which I guess might have something to do with my weight loss. I have, after all, lost quite a bit of padding in my face, too, so it´s highly probable that I have also lost fat around my eyeballs. I did notice those vision problems every time my weight had gone down by a greater amount, and I know they tend to go away again once my body has readapted to that weight.
Just another reminder of how many things in my body have been influenced by being morbidly obese. Obviously, being obese is something that can wreak all kinds of havoc on all parts of the body. I´m glad to have made it out of there before incurring any more damages.
As to smoking, I´m down to about fifteen from twenty to twenty-five cigarettes a day, half  amount of nicotine than my old brand.
And I have been watching just when the cravings come.
Unsurprisingly, they come whenever I want to take a break, or procrastinate on something.
Now what I need to find out is how to take a break without smoking- or eating instead. Just sitting there, for me, is making me all jittery.
Going out for a smoke is, in contrast, doing something.
Looks like I still need to work on my problem with free time.
I envy people who look forward to days off. Myself, I´m actually glad to be back working, most of the time.
I also envy people who can be relaxed, just enjoying a few minutes off from work, without that urge to be doing something.
If I had that ability, I wouldn´t need to fear quitting that much.
Crazy, isn´t it?


Julia

Sneaking out of my vices

I´m still deliberating with myself about when and how to quit smoking again. Well, actually, I keep coming up with excuses why I don´t just stop, period.
What I did today was buy the "light" version of my brand, which has half as much nicotine according to the package, in the hope of getting my body weaned off the high doses of nicotine it´s used to before going cold turkey. I don´t know if that will make it easier, but it´s as close as I dare to go to quitting today without, well, actually quitting. 
If I compare my different vices, there´s certainly a difference between being- a smoker, -a compulsive shopper,  -a compulsive overeater. And it´s one that should give me hope that I can kick that nicotine habit, namely, that with shopping and eating, I will never reach the point where I can forgo the activity completely, therefore, I am in both instances forced to find the sweet spot of balance between too little and too much. On the other hand, I do not face having to give up the activity for good, so I´ll still be able to enjoy a good meal, or a good bargain if it´s something I really need.
With cigarettes, I have found out the hard way that there is no middle ground for me. Either I don´t smoke at all, or I smoke a pack a day. So, if it´s not the latter I want, I will have to quit again. The good thing being that, apart my nicotine addiction screaming for more, there is no reason at all to ever smoke another cigarette.
Now if I could just get that little voice to shut up that keeps me grabbing for the pack of cigarettes whenever things get stressful... and avoid grabbing for the pack of peanuts instead...



Julia

Quitting fears

I had been smoke-free for about seven years. And then I blew it with just one cigarillo, which led to a complete relapse. I have been back to my old pack-a-day habit for awhile. Which means, at the prices they demand for cigarettes, spending more on smoking than on food.
There it is. As if I needed to see it in writing to fully realize just how utterly dumb this is. Especially when you´re on a budget.
The sensible thing to do would be to quit again.
There´s just one hitch.
After my last quit, I gained sixty pounds in six months. Plus, I had panic attacks for even longer than that.
Both of which should have kept me from starting again. I have no idea if the panic will return if I quit now. What is different this time is that I have changed the way I eat, having a lot more protein and less carbs than back then. Perhaps my neurotransmitters are better balanced now, but I wouldn´t bet on that.
On the other hand, before my first quit, I had been smoking for almost twenty-five years. For all of my grown-up life, to be exact.
I had never been in a restaurant, or out with friends, or even working at my desk, without a cigarette. My biggest fear, back then, wasn´t gaining weight. It was not being able to make it through my day without punctuating it with cigarettes. It was not knowing what to do with my hands, or what to put in my mouth.
Back then, what I put into my mouth instead after quitting was food. Sweets, mostly. And double amounts of everything, because hunger felt so much like withdrawal.
I made it through seven years of not smoking. Actually, I found myself not needing a cigarette to be able to sit at a table with friends. I found myself not needing a cigarette to work on my case files. I found myself not having to smoke first thing in the morning and last thing at night.
So, today, I know that a smoke-free life is possible for me. I even know, because the relapse came some 40 pounds into my weight loss journey, that smoking is not essential for me to lose weight.

Knowing all of that, why am I still scared of quitting?


Julia