Sometimes, losing something one felt attached to turns out to open doorways one would never have thought of opening otherwise.
As I mentioned before, I grew up at my grandparents' house. My parents moved in there, too, up to the year when I finished school and went to study at a university several hundred kilometers away. The same year, my parents bought a house of their own and moved in there, along with grandma who at the time couldn't live on her own anymore.
But she did keep ownership of the old house, which after her death passed on to my mother.
I had always taken it for granted that one day, that house would pass to me.
I was also certain that I would spend my retirement there. I actually had that fantasy of putting everything that my grandparents had owned back in the places where they had kept it, every piece of furniture, every knicknack, every picture.
So, I hung on for dear life to every single piece of my grandparents' inheritance. I even kept my grandmother's aprons.
Then, one day, I learned that my mother had sold the old house.
I was devastated.
For a while, I toyed with the idea of buying it back, or recreating it. After all, I still had a copy of the blueprints.
It took me a long time to realize that my needs for a place to spend my retirement might be dramatically different from what my grandparents needed.
And I also realized that many of my grandparents' things I had kept, or that I had expected to someday come into my possession, did not fit in with my lifestyle at all.
Preserving one's inheritance was something that was very important for my grandparents. Great-grandma's watch, or Uncle Edward's books, were, just by virtue of who had owned them before, treasures to be kept and passed on to the next generation along with the stories of their former owners. For almost every piece in that household, there was a story.As a child, I sucked up those stories like a sponge, certain that I was the keeper of my family's history.
I also imagined that I would someday pass on the stories along with the items to my own children, who of course would be brought up to value them as much as I did.
What I had not thought of was that there might be no one coming after me to pass those things on to.
But that is exactly what happened. I am, at close to fifty years of age, childless. There is nobody left who will memorize the tales of my family after I am gone. And it's almost certain that one day, my household will be dismanteled by someone who is not even a relative.
Knowing this, I have been forced to take a long hard look at the reasons I had for keeping certain things.
What I found was that I had kept a lot of things that I would never even use so I could pass them to my children- who quite probably wouldn't use or need them, either. There were even things that had been worn-out and tattered when I had first come into their possession. Most importantly, there were also plenty of things that might have been at the height of style and fashion when my grandparents acquired them. By today, they were painfully outdated and old-fashioned.
If there is no one I can pass those things on to - apart the fact that imposing last century stuff on my offspring would have meant passing on my grandparents' unhealthy attitude towards such things, too, and would most likely only have annoyed them- that means I am free to decide which items I want to keep to remind me of my childhood home. The old house having been sold means I am free to decide where and how I want to spend my retirement.
It has taken me awhile to come to this point. In a way, it is a scary place to be. Moving away from a path I thought was preordained for me, to a place where everything is possible.
But those very possibilities demand that I release my grip on the things of the past. Spending a sizeable part of my income on maintaining a museum of my family history is not a wise use of my money.
Today, I have better uses for my time, space and resources. Perhaps I will write down some of the family stories someday. But I do not need to keep all of the attendant stuff for that.
And I know that the former owners would not want me to spend my life in a cluttered mess, either.
Julia
2013/02/21
2013/02/20
Slightly reduced
At least, the cold hasn't gotten worse. And luckily, there has been very little work coming in, too. So, there's hope that my sticking it out won't result in things getting worse than they would have had I stayed at home on Monday.
Still, the planned visit with MIL over the weekend had to be cancelled- don't want to give that cold to the old lady. Which means that I will be able to rest and recuperate instead.
Appetite, as per now, is nonexistant. I didn't even have breakfast this morning, apart a cup of coffee. And I still have that persistent headache.
So, really nothing new hereabouts.
Haaa-tchou!
Julia
Still, the planned visit with MIL over the weekend had to be cancelled- don't want to give that cold to the old lady. Which means that I will be able to rest and recuperate instead.
Appetite, as per now, is nonexistant. I didn't even have breakfast this morning, apart a cup of coffee. And I still have that persistent headache.
So, really nothing new hereabouts.
Haaa-tchou!
Julia
2013/02/19
Haa-tchou!
That would probably be the greeting I'd have if somebody came in right now. That cold/flu/whatever thing is making me feel altogether lousy. On the up side, it means I don't really feel like eating anything at all, so I stick to a minimal food intake to prevent an upset stomach from the medications I am taking to keep functional. Maybe this cold will help me to finally get below that plateau.
What with me feeling all weak and the pain in my muscles/joints (another side effect of the infection) there's no way I could exercise, either.
So, I'm trying to get rid of the cold/flu thing. Recondensing can restart when I am better again.
Julia
What with me feeling all weak and the pain in my muscles/joints (another side effect of the infection) there's no way I could exercise, either.
So, I'm trying to get rid of the cold/flu thing. Recondensing can restart when I am better again.
Julia
2013/02/18
Things happening at the most inconvenient time
The mysterious fatigue has finally shown its true face, namely, that of a flu-like infection. I had been having generalized pain plus a whacking headache on Sunday, and this morning I woke up feeling weak, exhausted, with stuffed sinuses and a persistent cough. Astonishingly, I'm not running a fever. On any ordinary day, I would have called in sick. Of course, now of all times the colleague who would have to do my cases were I to call in sick is away on vacation. Guess who has to do his cases, too. So, I'm hanging on till Thursday. Either I am well again by then, or I'll have a chance at calling in sick.
On a different topic, did I mention that I own two different bioimpedance scales? Reading Norma's advice about those on the forum, I decided to do a test of their accuracy and weighed/ measured myself on both of them within a space of two minutes, so, the subject to be measured was quite identical.
Result? The weight measurements were identical to a t. And the body fat measurements? They differed by almost fourteen per cent. Now the scale that had the lower BF reading was the one I had owned first, so, the same one that had given me a 52 percent reading at my starting weight. Yesterday, it said 40 percent, so, the numbers would be less glum-looking were I to take that value for reference.
Namely, 55.64 kilos of fat at five kilos below my top weight, 32.4 kilos at my present weight. Meaning, if those readings were more accurate than those from the other gizmo, a loss of 23 kilograms of fat. 51 pounds, out of 26 kilos (57 pounds) lost from that point on. It was not my top weight because at my top weight the bioimpedance scales would give an error reading. Only when I had already recondensed about five kilograms would they work again.
And, if I put those numbers into the calculation of what I still have to lose, at a BMI of 25 and a BF percentage of 25 I'd statistically have 15.6 kilos less fat on me, which is actually quite close to what I thought I still had to lose.
And, if I take these numbers into account, it doesn't look as if I had lost that much muscle, either. Which is reassuring.
Julia
On a different topic, did I mention that I own two different bioimpedance scales? Reading Norma's advice about those on the forum, I decided to do a test of their accuracy and weighed/ measured myself on both of them within a space of two minutes, so, the subject to be measured was quite identical.
Result? The weight measurements were identical to a t. And the body fat measurements? They differed by almost fourteen per cent. Now the scale that had the lower BF reading was the one I had owned first, so, the same one that had given me a 52 percent reading at my starting weight. Yesterday, it said 40 percent, so, the numbers would be less glum-looking were I to take that value for reference.
Namely, 55.64 kilos of fat at five kilos below my top weight, 32.4 kilos at my present weight. Meaning, if those readings were more accurate than those from the other gizmo, a loss of 23 kilograms of fat. 51 pounds, out of 26 kilos (57 pounds) lost from that point on. It was not my top weight because at my top weight the bioimpedance scales would give an error reading. Only when I had already recondensed about five kilograms would they work again.
And, if I put those numbers into the calculation of what I still have to lose, at a BMI of 25 and a BF percentage of 25 I'd statistically have 15.6 kilos less fat on me, which is actually quite close to what I thought I still had to lose.
And, if I take these numbers into account, it doesn't look as if I had lost that much muscle, either. Which is reassuring.
Julia
2013/02/14
Too tired to boot
I still do not know what has been making me so extremely tired those last two weeks. I get up in the morning, ride the tram to work, do my eight-hour workday, ride home, fix dinner for the two of us and then fall asleep in my easy chair. Basically, I might be better off if I were to go to bed for real, but DH's already annoyed about me dozing off every night instead of talking to him anyway.
So, the good intentions about exercising have for now stayed exactly that. And my weight is following a sad pattern of gaining two or three pounds in a single day-without me being able to spot a dietary culprit for the gain- and then losing said pounds over a space of weeks, only to be hit by another regain. It's almost as if my body were actively refusing to permanently go to a weight below morbid obesity. Not that I get far above that point, one to two pounds at most, but still this is beginning to feel like Groundhog Day whenever I step on the scales.A whole year now, gone by with a net loss of zero. Without those pesky regains, the sum total of the weight I had lost during that year might have brought me almost to goal.
It's frustrating. Especially since the sum total of sweets and such that I ate over that year would probably amount to less than three pounds' worth of calories. Spread out over 365 days, that's on average 28 calories a day- which shows just how rarely I eat that stuff.
One thing I have as per now done regularly is having a glass of beer with dinner. But that cannot account for those massive upwards fluctuations in a single day, because I do it daily. Besides, it is accounted for in my daily calorie allotment.
So where does that leave me? From a top weight of 112 kilograms- 246 pounds for the metrically challenged- I have come down to 81 kilograms (178 pounds), with a low of 79 kilos (174 pounds). So, I did manage to recondense roughly thirty percent of my starting weight. The four-pound regain is well within the scope of normal variations, as long as it doesn't get any higher.
If I were to believe the statistics that go around the web, a thirty-percent reduction in weight would mostly be achieved only at the cost of a surgical intervention, which I did never have. Statistically, thus, I am doing okay.
Except that I am still fat. Borderline morbidly obese.
To be normal-weighted again, I'd have to lose another 14 kilograms(31 pounds)or, in other words, another twelve percent off my starting weight. Or sixteen percent off my present weight. I still drag around one and a half buckets of fat too many. One and a half out of four and a half.
I am not ready to give up on getting rid of these, too. But I am afraid that that ole enemy, my body, might not be persuaded to give them up.
If only that weight curve were going downwards again.
Julia
So, the good intentions about exercising have for now stayed exactly that. And my weight is following a sad pattern of gaining two or three pounds in a single day-without me being able to spot a dietary culprit for the gain- and then losing said pounds over a space of weeks, only to be hit by another regain. It's almost as if my body were actively refusing to permanently go to a weight below morbid obesity. Not that I get far above that point, one to two pounds at most, but still this is beginning to feel like Groundhog Day whenever I step on the scales.A whole year now, gone by with a net loss of zero. Without those pesky regains, the sum total of the weight I had lost during that year might have brought me almost to goal.
It's frustrating. Especially since the sum total of sweets and such that I ate over that year would probably amount to less than three pounds' worth of calories. Spread out over 365 days, that's on average 28 calories a day- which shows just how rarely I eat that stuff.
One thing I have as per now done regularly is having a glass of beer with dinner. But that cannot account for those massive upwards fluctuations in a single day, because I do it daily. Besides, it is accounted for in my daily calorie allotment.
So where does that leave me? From a top weight of 112 kilograms- 246 pounds for the metrically challenged- I have come down to 81 kilograms (178 pounds), with a low of 79 kilos (174 pounds). So, I did manage to recondense roughly thirty percent of my starting weight. The four-pound regain is well within the scope of normal variations, as long as it doesn't get any higher.
If I were to believe the statistics that go around the web, a thirty-percent reduction in weight would mostly be achieved only at the cost of a surgical intervention, which I did never have. Statistically, thus, I am doing okay.
Except that I am still fat. Borderline morbidly obese.
To be normal-weighted again, I'd have to lose another 14 kilograms(31 pounds)or, in other words, another twelve percent off my starting weight. Or sixteen percent off my present weight. I still drag around one and a half buckets of fat too many. One and a half out of four and a half.
I am not ready to give up on getting rid of these, too. But I am afraid that that ole enemy, my body, might not be persuaded to give them up.
If only that weight curve were going downwards again.
Julia
2013/02/04
Planning (not) to fail
That number on my bioimpendance scales has been scaring me quite a bit.
So, more than half of what I have recondensed by now is NOT fat.
Which goes a long way towards explaining why I have lately had the feeling that moving my body around has not become easier in proportion to the weight I lost. I must have lost too much muscle, actually.
Which means I will have to start exercising to build muscle, or at least minimize further losses (the amount of lean tissue remaining with me being, mathematically, exactly how much lean mass I would have at goal weight at 25 per cent body fat).
Which in turn engendered some purchases over the weekend. Mark Lauren's books on bodyweight exercise and a pair of new Adidas trainers, my old running/walking shoes having had their cushioning squished flat by some thirty kilograms more of me.
What I am still lacking, considering that we have a completely carpetless floor, is some kind of gymnastics or yoga mat to do those bodyweight exercises on that require going down on the floor to kneel or lie down for. Learning to do pushups will, for me who has almost no upper body strength, be difficult enough without adding the discomfort of an ice-cold hard surface beneath me. So that's what will be my next purchase.
I know that my present fitness level is somewhat below zero, but in that case, any exercise would be better than none, wouldn't it? So I am preparing myself mentally for failing miserably at my first attempts at those exercises, knowing that these will probably the worst I'll ever make.
Yes, I will fail. But what counts is having a chance of working up to the point I no longer need to fail. The point where my body will finally be able to execute those movements properly.
Even if it takes awhile.
Julia
So, more than half of what I have recondensed by now is NOT fat.
Which goes a long way towards explaining why I have lately had the feeling that moving my body around has not become easier in proportion to the weight I lost. I must have lost too much muscle, actually.
Which means I will have to start exercising to build muscle, or at least minimize further losses (the amount of lean tissue remaining with me being, mathematically, exactly how much lean mass I would have at goal weight at 25 per cent body fat).
Which in turn engendered some purchases over the weekend. Mark Lauren's books on bodyweight exercise and a pair of new Adidas trainers, my old running/walking shoes having had their cushioning squished flat by some thirty kilograms more of me.
What I am still lacking, considering that we have a completely carpetless floor, is some kind of gymnastics or yoga mat to do those bodyweight exercises on that require going down on the floor to kneel or lie down for. Learning to do pushups will, for me who has almost no upper body strength, be difficult enough without adding the discomfort of an ice-cold hard surface beneath me. So that's what will be my next purchase.
I know that my present fitness level is somewhat below zero, but in that case, any exercise would be better than none, wouldn't it? So I am preparing myself mentally for failing miserably at my first attempts at those exercises, knowing that these will probably the worst I'll ever make.
Yes, I will fail. But what counts is having a chance of working up to the point I no longer need to fail. The point where my body will finally be able to execute those movements properly.
Even if it takes awhile.
Julia
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