ReRailing

I am presently trying to get back on track after that weeklong binge. Premenopause is a real bitch, it seems. I had not had my period for three months, and when it came I definitely lost the fight against the cravings that brought along. Luckily, the visitor has gone, and so have the cravings.

If I want to get down to  69 kilos before the day I have to face my relatives again, I have to make a weekly deficit of 3084 calories, or a daily one of 441. That does not sound so hard until I see that my basal metabolism is just 1328 calories, and it takes at least half an hour's walking to get my working calories above 500. Which means that on Sundays, when I typically stay inside, I do not meet that goal. Nor do I when with MIL, unless I do errands on foot. Which in turn means that I have to be really strict on all other days. 

Life's a bitch. And then you diet. 

Stop this train, I want to get off!

Ever since the last weekend, my eating has been out of control. Or rather, out of any boundary in spite of trying to control it. The 500 calorie surplus has risen to a 6000 calorie one in the space of a single week. I am bloated, dizzy, tired. Tired enough to fall asleep as soon as I close my eyes, regardless of whether I am in a bed or sitting in my office. And, as usual, I try to fight the feeling of being completely drained by refuelling, that is, by eating. I have no idea what else would give me my energy back, well, perhaps except sleeping. But the food does not give me energy, either. And sleeping in is just a dream as long as the situation stays the same. I wish there was anything else, legal, of course, that would bring my energy back. Or my ability to concentrate. 

At least I have the next weeks off. But before that, I have to get rid of the backlog. 

First the trouble with my eyes. Then fatigue. 

And the weather keeps going up and down like crazy. 

Inescapable Math

There is an app for almost anything, they say. 

And if there is not, there is one that can be used off-topic, so to say, to do what one wanted. 

For keeping a running total of my caloric intake, I have downloaded what is originally a financial tallykeeping app. I have used that since September 1st, and every day when entering my in and out totals I was watching the deficit grow. Until the weekend, that is. Due to hormonal fluctuations (don't ask how I know...) I was absolutely ravenous for two days. I decided not to restrict myself overly, and found myself at least (not journalled everything, actually) 2000 calories over and above what I would have needed on either day, even though I was also doing a lot of walking on Saturday. So, not only has all of the deficit I had so painstakingly created gone up in smoke, no, I have, for this month, a 500 calorie minimum surplus that I have to spend before even starting to really lose fat relatively to the beginning of the month. 

The problem being that I still feel hungry. 

No wonder my weekly intake and expense never evened out. As I have remarked more than once, the true miracle is that I am not yet back at a BMI of over 40. 

And I have squandered one of the just 60 weeks I have to get myself to goal weight. 

Weight this morning: 95 kilograms or 209 pounds. 

Small victories and water retention

I did, over the last days, manage to take in less calories than I expended.

Barely. 

And after eating a single Texas Double Burger at Burger King yesterday, only to be flabbergasted to see that was well over 900 calories, without fries and coke, I can tell what the next lesson is. Look before you bite. 

Add to that the fact that in spite of being under my calories, I have gained over two pounds from yesterday to today,which means retaining over a liter of water, and you get one frustrated bunny. 

Today, the afternoon slump clamored for something cakey, so I bought a muffin. 

Instead of wolfing down the whole thing on the way back from the bakery, I kept it intact and put it on the food scale that now lives in my office. A good thing I did, too. Running the weight of that- not even big-looking- muffin through the calorie counter I found that it would have hit me almost as hard as that burger yesterday. So what I did is cut the thing in half and keep the second half for tomorrow. 

On the confession front, if I got a yen for bakery goods, in the past that meant buying at least two, most often three pieces, and eating all of them in one go, on top, of course, of a full day`s meals, thereby bringing myself at least by a thousand calories into the zone of too much. 

Reading the last days´ entries in my food log is actually quite instructive, in that what keeps popping up ist the fact that I have a serious tendency towards calorie-dense stuff, thereby creating major caloric havoc with diminutive-looking portions of food. Barely eating anything, indeed, if one looks only at the volume or number of items consumed. Still, with my low TDEE, that barely anything is already much too much. 

The only way to go is switching to less calorie-dense foods. In other words, vegetables, fruit and low-fat dairy. Pickles, too. And lean meat. 

And keeping my daily step count up. I have set myself a 7500 steps goal for now, which I have regularly met the last days, in spite of the heat. 

Which still just prevented a caloric plus from being eaten. Instead of the 450 calorie deficit I would have needed to be on plan. 

My eating habits don´t need finetuning, they need a complete revamp. 

I do not want to go to that family affair any heavier than I was for the last one.