Day six of quit

iAs they said, the first three days  completely off nicotine were the worst. As I had patched over the first two days, the real cold turkey didn't hit until Friday. By Saturday, I could have climbed the walls, ready to commit murder for a cigarette. Sunday wasn't much better. Being at home wasn't helping either. Of course, on Sunday evening I had a tiff with DH who accused me of not being there for him. 

Strangely, being off tobacco has been changing the way I taste and smell food. The orange coffee capsules did, yesterday at least, taste downright nasty. 

And, after just five days of not inhaling smoke, my cough has diminished noticeably. So no allergic cough there, but what I always denied, namely, a smoker's cough. 

Crazy fantasies of having the good feeling of not smoking while still smoking. 

And having to face all sorts of unpleasant realities about my life without the merciful screen of smoke separating me from them. 

Last night, it was the thought of having to go thru withdrawal again that kept me from grabbing a cigarette.  Once is bad enough. 

Day three of quit

I left the patch off today. Yesterday, I found myself jonesing to smoke not because I was running low on nicotine, but whenever I used to have a smoke, as in leaving/ entering the courthouse, waiting at the bus stop, wanting to eat, just having eaten, and worst in the evening when watching TV and just before bed. And getting up of course. 

DH may not use the patches due to his medical conditions, which is a bit absurd as long as he smokes. And I have decided to take the full plunge into sobriety. If there will be three days, or two weeks, of hard going when cutting down to zero I want it over and done with instead of paying over 25 Euros a week to prolong the agony. 

Come to think of it, looking at the price of the new Kindle Voyager I have let one of these go up in smoke every month. Every. Single. Month. 

Or alternatively, I could have bought a Mac Airbook every six months.

And that is just what I smoked. 

Just how dumb can one be.

Day one of my quit

Weight this morning: 94,3 kilograms.

I did smoke four cigarettes this morning before showering, the last one about 08.40 a.m. After the shower, I put on one of the six remaining nicotine patches I had left over from the time DH had a court appearance plus a cough so I patched him in order to keep him from climbing the walls. 

I downloaded some apps that keep me informed about the benefits of quitting- even though they don´t take the patch into account.

Counting what I smoked makes quite exactly the 25 I supposed I was averaging. And there might even have been more cigarettes smoked, especially in the evening.

So the main reasons for smoking are:

procrastination

kicking myself awake

giving myself a break

stress

relaxation

to stop eating

to avoid an unpleasant situation by going outside.

The kicker being that there might be more stress because of smoking, or more fatigue, or that the TV is more unpleasant when I have withdrawal symptoms on top.

I might find out more than I thought about that in the next weeks. One thing I already found out was that I don´t need 150 Euros a month for cigarettes, I need 180 Euros plus whatever I smoke over and above 25 cigarettes a day. Meaning that I would have liberated, by not smoking,the equivalent of a nice juicy steak for both of us, or a grass-fed chicken,  if just me quit. Were DH to go along with the quit, too, there´d be a nice bottle of wine to go with the steak, too, not that tetrabrik stuff. 

Even patched, there are still cravings. I ride them out, not being able to smoke because of the patch, and I write into the blog.

I have a big cup of lapacho tea on my desk right now, sipping on it regularly. The one thing I don´t need to happen is gaining back even more weight. I´ll have to be really careful, especially taking into account that my basal metabolism will go down by about 300 calories from quitting. 

Back to the track

96,8 kilos. That´s what this winter´s regain catapulted me back up to. Pants getting tight, having to buy a new red belt because I was unable to close the old one. 

And a nasty cough that has been hanging around since I don´t remember when. 

I am pissed to no end, I really am. 

That weight must come off again, asap, not only because of the aforementioned wardrobe woes but because my body has, by now, reached a point where the complaints of being fat are reappearing. Hurting knees and ankles, inability to bend down without my belly getting in the way, shortness of breath. The latter possibly also due to smoking.

I am afraid. Afraid of those damn panic attacks I had when I last quit, afraid of not being able to lose that extra weight or even- gulp- regaining another 25 kilos and getting back into super morbid obesity country.