with just a 0.2 kg-gain this time, in spite of having to partake in family meals.
So, I hope I´ll have a chance to get back down this week to where I started to regain. DH is out of town on business and won´t return before Wednesday, so, I can do a jump start today and tomorrow.
That means walking twice a day (in the morning and in the evening, too) and eating only protein shakes (with fruit when I prepare them at home, without at the office) after breakfast (no, I won´t go without my bacon-and-eggs breakfast for any reason). And it means drinking lots of tea and water.
I´ll see how far that takes me...
I also did something very dumb yesterday.
I used to be a heavy smoker until seven years ago, when I finally managed to quit. I had reached a point where I thought I´d never again even want to smoke. After all, I paid for quitting with at least part of my latest weight gain.
DH, who also smoked heavily back then, had also mostly quit, but he kept having the occasional cigarette now and then, which he tried to hide from me successfully until I found a pack of cigarettes in his pockets some weeks ago. Due to some stressful things going on in his life right now, he has started to smoke more often, sometimes in the presence of me. And I, when exposed to his secondhand smoke, had suddenly started to have cravings for a cigarette again. I did resist them until yesterday, when I bought a pack of cigarillos and did, on coming home late, sit down on the balcony and smoke one of them.
Now, all that did was make me feel lousy. I have a headache, the acrid smell of burnt tobacco and the bitter taste of the smoke seem to stick to my nose and gums in spite of repeated toothbrushing and nose-blowing, and I am mad at myself for relapsing after being clean for seven years.
The leftover pack is still in my vest pocket at home. I´ll toss it when I come home, because in spite of the lousy feeling I do not know if I´d be able to abstain again if I knew it was there.
And I must never again sit with DH while he smokes. If I explain to him why, perhaps he, too, will be able to quit again.
I only hope I´ll not have to go through full withdrawal again...for just one cigarillo that didn´t even make me feel what I thought it would. But then again, knowing this might make permanent abstinence easier, even if I catch a whiff of DH´s cigarettes now and then.
After all, I did, after quitting, get rid of a persistent cough that had been plaguing me, and I had re-discovered the joys of sitting through a concert or a movie without having to take at least one cigarette break and, when not smoking, fidgeting on my seat with withdrawal symptoms.
It was just effingly stupid of me to risk all that.
What will help me not to let this become a full-fledged relapse is, apart the fact that cigarettes have become prohibitively expensive since I quit, the rising number of places where you are not allowed to smoke any more. On the street, apart some specially marked places, in bars and restaurants, at my workplace, on trains. The only place where I could still smoke is at home, actually, or in front of our office building where I´d be exposing myself to the I-told-you-sos of my still smoking colleagues.
Still, I am mad at myself. How could I be so stupid.
Kicking myself,
Julia
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