2013/04/25

Keeping on deliberating

We still have plenty of those things in the pantry that would be off limits with a Whole 30. Milk, mainly, pasta and rice. Those, I could bag up for the duration. Those last potatoes in the pantry closet, not so. As the peanut stash is down to the last two packs anyway, I could buy cashew nuts or almonds instead. The sugar part would mean to Just Say No, which I mostly do anyway.
I'd still have to find a sugar-free replacement for the milk in my coffee. Almond milk, which someone mentioned on the forum, is sold only in expensive health food stores hereabouts.
Exchanging my happy hour glass of beer with a cup of tea or a glass of water might feel strange, but it's doable, especially as it is actually mostly about DH and myself sitting together to unwind and less about what beverage we have.
The real biggie is the smokes.
I first started smoking at age sixteen (the age that it becomes legal hereabouts) and went on right up to age forty. Then, I quit. And proceeded to have insomnia, panic attacks, you name it. The prescription meds I got made me gain 40 pounds in a mere six weeks, so I went off them. What finally helped me conquer those symptoms was the realization that I was probably serotonine-deficient, so I started taking vitamins and protein shakes to up my serotonine level. The insomnia and panic attacks ceased. The extra fat stayed.
Fast forward seven years.
Seven smoke-free years, mind you. I was so certain I'd never restart again.
And then my weight went below what it had been when I quit smoking. All of a sudden, the craving for a cigarette was back in full force. I have no idea whether that was from any stored residues in the fat I was losing, that were going into my bloodstream, but it's highly possible if fat stores really work like "last gained, first lost". In that case, those last forty pounds I gained wouldn't have had any residue from smoking stored. But those acquired before that did.
I relapsed. Not as badly as before quitting (I used to chain-smoke up to four packs a day), but still at a rate of about one pack a day.
Mega monumentally fucking dumb. I know.
Almost as dumb was getting back into the habit of having a smoke after eating, to stop myself from continuing to eat.
So, on the one side I know that I have been getting along without cigarettes for seven years. Before that, I would not have thought I could do that even for a day, so, this is one thing less to fear about quitting.
On the other side is the memory of those panic attacks (which went on much longer than actual nicotine withdrawal). While I now know the probable cause, I still don't want to have any of them, ever again. To prevent them, I would have to use protein shakes and vitamins again, preventively this time.
Did I mention protein shakes would be off limits with a Whole 30?
So how to raise my serotonine instead if I must not smoke, either?

BAM!

That was the sound of me kicking myself for restarting to smoke at all.

Once a wrong pathway is laid in the brain, it's all too easy to slide back into the old rut, even if you didn't activate that pathway for some time.
That goes for cigarettes as well as for cupcakes.


I'm interested in the concept of doing a Whole 30. But I don't think I'd make it. Perhaps try out the concept for a week, but right now, I have plenty of stressors in my life without adding to them. When the boat is loaded to the point that the sides are just an inch above the waterline, you don't start rocking it, quite simply. So, until some of that load has gone, I'll stick to applying those parts that fit in with my situation. Any change for the better is good, isn't it?

Julia

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