It´s easy...until it´s not

For seven years, I had been nicotine-free. Then, I slipped up with a single cigarillo. Two weeks later, I was back to smoking a pack a day.
Dumb, isn´t it? Even dumber when I stopped exercising soon after because I preferred sitting on the balcony smoking to getting sweaty running through the park, and besides, I was so fast out of breath... And even dumber when I had to work the cost of smoking into our budget. Let´s just say at the price of cigarettes today, a pack-a-day-habit would consume more than what I have to pay for utilities each month, so, nothing to sneeze at.
And, of course, my cough is back.
Quitting should be easy, after all, I have done it once already. And there really isn´t a sensible alternative.
But the last time I quit, I gained those very close-to-sixty pounds I just condensed.
I´m scared of gaining again. And I´m scared of climbing the wall with cravings.

I must remember this is an addiction. For seven years, I could get up, go to work, work, and come home and relax, without lighting up. I could do it without climbing the walls, too, without snapping at people, and for the last year before my relapse, without eating everything that wouldn´t eat me first. I could watch an entire movie withouit fidgeting halfway through it because I wanted to go out for a smoke.

I want that feeling back.
At the same time, I´m absolutely scared of quitting.
Damn that cigarillo.


Julia