I haven´t even been able to stop gaining, even though is has slowed down, at least. But that body of mine has decided not to react to any attempts at getting it to start recondensing again.
Almost 86 kilos, and back to a BMI of 31.4.
Of course, I do search for what it might be that makes my body cling to that weight. Overeating it isn´t. I haven´t been eating beyond the point of being stuffed even once. No desperate binges like when I first gained all that weight.
If there is such a thing as an innate wisdom of our bodies, why does mine decide that it better be a lot heavier than what I would like to be living in? It´s true, I have a stressful job and a busy private life. But what good are almost forty pounds of extra weight to drag around when it comes to coping with everything?
Admittedly, being fat was like having an elephant´s hide suit of armor. Losing some of that fat meant feeling more exposed. But by what subconscious quirk should I ever want the pain that came with the weight back? And I´m not just talking about the physical pain of obesity, the feet tha kept hurting after a few steps, the back that kept aching, or all the things I could not do when fat. I´m also talking about the lack of respect, the sneers, the invisibility.
My head doesn´t want that all back. Then why should my body?
I am still at about 24 percent less weight than I started out at. Compared to statistics that claim you´re already a success if you keep just ten percent off, I am still ahead. But I do have to find out what really drives this regain before I slip back even further.
Right now, I haven´t got a clue.
Keep on keeping on....
Julia
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