Saying I am frustrated about what my body does doesn´t cover it.
Then again, those last weeks had a number of Very Urgent and Very Stressful experiences. The kind that makes memories of old VU and VS experiences come back full force, experiences which I still rate among the worst things that have happened to me and which were, without wanting to go any deeper into them, at the root of my first descent into binge eating disorder and morbid obesity.
At those times, it´s all I can do to keep functioning and try not to let my PTSD get the better of me.
And, as I found out to my own dismay, food still is my coping tool of choice. So I did have some cookies, I did have some of those mint-filled chocolates, I did have bread spread with grass-fed butter and a bit of peanut butter on top. I stopped counting calories, too.
All in all, there were about seven or eight ´days I went absolutely over my maintenance calorie allotment. The two-pound gain tells me how far.
But there´s something else. When the situation came, I allowed myself those foods, consciously, and knowing that anything that would raise my serotonin levels would be beneficial to me.
The positive part was that for the first time in such a situation, I was able to stop eating before I had finished up every last morsel of food before me. I opened a box of cookies and ate just half of them. I had two slices of bread and left the rest of the pack intact. And I felt satisfied after that.
There used to be a time when nothing short of running out of food or reaching the physical limits of what my stomach could hold would have stopped me.
So, perhaps, I have become better at this after all.
The situation will last for another week or so, and then maybe I´ll be able to climb back on the wagon.
The price of passing through this time is knowing that I definitely won´t be normal-weighted when I turn fifty next year. I´d be glad if I managed to get back down to not being obese. As it is, when the turbulences have passed, I intend to do a week-long all-protein fast to turn around my metabolism again.
At least, I want to get back below obesity. ASAP.
Julia
No comments:
Post a Comment