Eff stands for frustration

While the heat wave has been slowly ebbing off, the water retention that came with it hasn´t. 

Quite the contrary. I have been having trouble with my circulation since last week, and my weight has been, during that week, gone up by some 300 grams ( that´s 0,7 pounds) A DAY. Every effing day. 

Which catapults me back to a point I last saw almost two years ago. 84.7 kilograms, 186 pounds. 

No, I haven´t overeaten. I stuck to around 2000 calories a day. Mostly, below. No way I could have overeaten by 2100 calories a day. Still, I am ballooning up like a piece of yeast dough. 

We went to see MIL over the weekend, and she immediately asked me whether I had noticed that I had grown fatter since she last saw me. It took all of my self-control not to scream at her. Instead, I bit my lip and then told her calmly that I am still weighing myself every day and yes, I know perfectly well that I have regained so there is no need for her to alert me to the fact. 

As if I could miss what is happening. My clothes fit tighter, my rings are once more cutting into my fingers, and I am feeling the old aches creep back. Knees, ankles, spine. 

But even if it was true, what pissed me off was that the old lady felt the need to address the obvious at all. 

To me, having someone talk to me about gaining weight always feels like an attack. It probably is what growing up with parents who wanted me to lose weight when I had a BMI 21 will do. The strength of my anger flaring up at being taken to task over my weight was, in any case, bigger than what the old lady would have deserved. 

But, apart the anger over that scene, I am still scared. Badly. If this were to continue, I would be back in the bigger clothes sizes in a matter of weeks. 

What scares me most is that I honestly don´t know what is propelling my weight upwards. 

It almost feels as if that body of mine were taunting me. Do what you want, you are still stuck within me and I do as I please. 

The only hope I have is that this really is all water retention. Maybe I´ll pick up a diuretic at the pharmacy tonight. If that doesn´t help, there´s something else wrong. 

Sometimes life sucks.

Julia